Beginning

This is the beginning.  It is the start of my inane ramblings of things that are important to me, strike me as memorable, or that I am curious about.

To start: I have two kids.  They are 20 months apart.  I suffer from a dirty little thing called post-partum depression.  I say it is dirty because even with all of our advancements, depression still has a terrible stigma.  This blog really addresses that (and the three blogs she links).  I am ashamed to admit that there were times recently when the only reason I got out of bed in the morning is because I am all my two little boys have at the moment.  My wonderful husband is gone for work.  If I didn't get out of bed to care for them, they would have had no one else.

Which was a shameful thought.  What was even more shameful was the fact that though I got out of bed, they didn't really have me.  I was a shell of my real self.  I had to battle through some emotional shit just to haul myself out of bed.  The worst part was not even being able to truly enjoy the cuddles and kisses and hugs they gave me during those days.  I can never get those back.  NEVER.  Those days, those hugs and kisses, are forever gone in the ever-flowing river of time.  And standing at the crest of this little hill, I can look back down on the trough of depression and mourn the time I lost with my boys.  But I can also rejoice a little.  I did not lose too much time down there.  They are still little.  I was lucky to find a way to claw my way up.  I am lucky that they are good and beautiful and loving boys.  And I am lucky that they will not remember this incident.

So I write of this.  I write of this to have a record.  To remember how ashamed I am of the time I lost because I couldn't see myself and my state of mind for what I was.  I write this so I will remember in case my sons one day marry women who may also suffer from post-partum depression.  So I can share with them that it is not their fault.  That they aren't less-than-human.  That I know where they are coming from.  That it is okay to need help and seek help.

And so, tonight, I sit in my metaphorical chair, on top of my metaphorical hill, watching the fireflies flit around with a glass of wine in hand and say, "Life is good."
This is not my photo - I found it here